so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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