The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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