Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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