I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
