i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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