yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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