She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
