your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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