i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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