I could make wine with my vomit
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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