two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Houston, we have a squirter
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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