i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
