the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
