High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
