can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
