ya dads aren't the best wingmen
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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