I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
