He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
