I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
