He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
