i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
