Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
