Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
