just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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