When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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