You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
