cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
