Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
