I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize