She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
