I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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