if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
