A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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