I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
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Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
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I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.