gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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