is your mom at the bar?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
