so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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