He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
