She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
