As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
