I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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