I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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