Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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