We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm too high and old for this...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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