I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
