I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
