party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
