Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
