this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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