Barsexuality is the new black.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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