I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
