I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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