I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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