Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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