u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
