I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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