The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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