one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
