I am in a vortex of obligation.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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