When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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