Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
