Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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