if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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