I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
