Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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