I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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